Reali-T Check

discombobulation

I have been totally discomboulated since last February....trying a number of things, but unable to focus or complete anything.  I tried blogging in several other venues, but I just couldn't get motivated to do this on a regular basis. I even set up a website but to no avail. I don't even remember the password anymore! How sad is that???

I went to Baton Rouge this weekend to visit Molly, my youngest daughter.  On the ride home today, I had a long time to think.  I've got to get over this and become combobulated again!!  Ok, so I know that isn't a real word, but it should be. 

So, that's the goal...to get back on the wagon...to write, to watch what I eat, to exercise, to revolve my life around Christ instead of expecting him to revolve around me.  

Until next time, then!

New Site--New Blog

FYI.....Sorry, but I must say to heck with all of you who don't appreciate blogs or are so self-centered that you think everything is about you!!  Writing is therapy and after almost a year without blogging, I'm back at it.  I have a new website and a new blog....  www.intentionallyme.com  I don't know exactly what I am going to do with it, but my goal is to live as God made me....to purposefully live with the knowledge that I am uniquely made by God....to intentionally live with the personality and character qualities--quirks and all--that HE gave me. I am fully satisfied and grateful for the knowledge "that He who began a good work in (me) and will be faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus (Phil 1:6)"  Won't that be a glorious day!!!  Until that time, I will work to be intentionally me!

Blogs and Perceptions

Ok...It's not reasonable for me to chunk the baby with the bathwater!  I like writing.  I like blogging.  I don't really care whether anyone reads it or not; I just like it! It is soothing and it is therapeutic.  So, I intend to again pick up the pen (stroke the keyboard is more appropriate, I guess!) and once again engage in blogging.

Today I'm going to address blogging and perceptions since that is what got me in trouble to begin with.  The whole purpose of blogging, for me and alot of other people I think, is to talk....to get it out.  When I can blog, I don't need to see a shrink.  I just need to write, write, write.  This way, too, I don't make Tom crazy with incessant talking about the same issue.

What does that have to do with perception?  Well, we all are supposed  to know that perception is not necessarily reality.  OK..ok...so the saying is "perception is reality".  Nevertheless, we know that isn't true!  If it were, then we would all be judging a ton of books by their covers.

At any rate, when I write a blog, I am writing about my perceptions.  I can't speak for anyone else!  So, if anyone sees themselves portrayed in a not so flattering light in one of my blogs, I am sorry.  Eventually, after the catharsis blogging brings (for those of you, like Tommy, with poor vocabularies--the purging of emotions or relieving of emotional tensions, especially through certain kinds of art like writing), I will see things more clearly.  And guess what?? I'll blog about that too! 

I have a LOT on my mind right now, so there will problably be many blogs resulting! 

Just remember.....this is MY blog---it's about ME and the way I see things at that moment in time.

GOT IT???  GOOD! 

It's good to be back!  See you next time.....

Quiet Days

I don't know why this is, but when I have really serious issues on my mind, I cannot write.  I think I am too consumed with my thoughts.  Well, I'm going to try to get back on the wagon.  Maybe purging myself of my thoughts about these issues will help me heal and move on.

I'm been over in Hattiesburg for 7 days now. Most of the time I have spent by myself.  After so many years of a loud house--kids yelling, dogs barking, pots clanging, etc.--the quiet is so wonderful.  Yesterday, I had a totally quiet house...no tv, no radio, no kids....QUIET! 

I almost laughed out loud about 2:15 because I realized that I had accomplished absolutely nothing to that point.  I had spent the day simply sitting and soaking in the peace.That's ordinarily a very hard task for me--sitting still and doing nothing, I mean. Usually, if I'm sitting, I'm on the computer or watching some mundane something on the glorified boob tube.

I must admit that my sprititual life has been fairly non-existent for the last month.  Being here where I can reflect has revived my soul.   

Maybe that's what it takes....quiet, self-reflection....

Be still and know that I am God.  How I marvel that He would allow me to know Him!

See you next time.......

Good God!

I write about God's grace frequently.  He has to remind me so often that He loves me enough to grant me grace and mercy, that He must think I'm stupid and thick headed--just like the Israelites. 

This morning, He demonstrated his love in such a wonderful way.  I was upset about the same old thing--really low.  In the midst of that, first Tom called.  As soon as that call ended, Bonny came by.  Just after I sent her away, Tommy called (for some reason, he had gotten sick at work and went home--called me at a very unusual time.).  And just after that, Molly called from Brazil.

Good heavens--reallY!!!  The remarkable thing about this was that I haven't heard from Tommy and Molly in almost a week.  I've tried unsuccessfully to reach them.  Do you think it's a coincidence that they called when they did??

I don't.  I think it was God's way of reminding me that He is good...He is in control...He loves me...and I am not alone.

How blessed am I???  I am amazed that this is so.  Molly shared with me her (I think she called it a trouble verse) verse that they were required to identify and memorize.....Romans 5:3-5.  I think I'll share in that with her, although I need to back it up to verse 1! 

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Romans 5:1-5 (NIV)

What more is there to say but thank you for being such a Good God!!!

See you next time!

Mercy Overflowing!

I am ever amazed at how God loves me enough to speak to me when I need him most. 

The last few days have been difficult for me.  Events and hurtful words caused me to question everything about myself...my relationship with Christ, my relationships with others, my worth...everything!

Although I know the origins of the words and should have been prepared, I wasn't, and they pierced my soul.  They left me gasping for air. Sounds dramatic,huh?  Well, it was.  Apart from the death of my dad, I can only think of one other incident that has affected me like this.

To make things worse, I was mad at myself for taking generalized statements as the truth.  One person can't speak for everyone, but I let one person convince me that he did.  I felt attacked by a brother in Christ, and I felt alone.  Where was God in this? Why did he allow me to respond the way I did?? How could my head know it was a lie while my heart felt it was the truth? (Just so you'll know...like the last three blogs, this was written originally in June.  I haven't subtracted anything, and I have added nothing except as I told you in a previous blog, I thought it would be understood when I initially wrote this entry that this was--as are all my blog entries--about me, my emotions, my feelings....my perceptions, accurate or not!)

Well, I know Satan is having a field day!  He is laughing it up about now. I am kind of amused at the way God spoke to me today.  In the midst of my self-pity and self-loathing, God chose to speak to me to remind me that He is with me; He does love me; and He does have a plan in this.

I heard recently that if we are in the Word and sensitive to the Holy Spirit that we would begin to see God's presence and sovereignty in even the smallest parts of our lives. My morning prayer and devotion (TGIF), confirmed this for me...

Today's Prayer 
June 27, 2007
Heavenly Father, Please show me the right paths you would have me follow. Sometimes, I'm not sure of the direction I should go. I stumble and run into roadblocks. I don't understand why things are not going the way I think they should. Help me to see how these roadblocks and detours are being used to redirect my life. I love you and want to follow you. Thank you for your promise that "all things work together for good to those who love the Lord." Amen.

---

Our Counselor
TGIF Today God Is First, by Os Hillman 

But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. - John 14:26

I was driving down the interstate feeling discouraged from an appointment I had just had. A former employee's company was seeking to displace me, and my company, as their source for our services. It had been one of many difficult events during those months. As I was driving, some words popped into my mind, No weapon formed against you shall prosper. I could not tell you where those words came from other than I knew the Holy Spirit was speaking them to me; I knew they were in the Bible. I knew they were in the Old Testament.

When I returned to my office that day, I searched for the key words in my concordance and found the verse. "No weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you" (Is. 54:17a).

Jesus said that the Holy Spirit would remind us of the things He desires us to know. There are times in our lives when the Holy Spirit speaks into our spirit words designed to encourage us or give us what we need at the moment. That is just one of the roles of the Holy Spirit in the life of the believer. The more you know God's Word, the more often you'll recall verses the Holy Spirit will bring to mind for a given situation. Study God's Word and allow the Holy Spirit to remind you of the things He desires you to know.

I am so thankful God has shown mercy to such a sinner as me!

May you see God's hand many times before we meet again!

Grace in Action

I know if you read my blogs you'll be pleased to know I've got a new lease on life today!  When I reflect on how I felt about myself, I kind of feel like I should have been singing,  "Nobody likes me, everybody hates me; I think I'll go it worms!"

The bottom line is that it doesn't really matter whether I like the way I am or whether anybody else likes the way I am...God made me this way.  I can whine all day long about wanting to be meek and mild, but let's face it....it just ain't gonna happen!! 

But I am really pleased that God saw fit to extend more grace to me by using several people this week to pick me up.  (They have the gifts I wish I had--mercy, encouragement,etc!) They explained some of the good points of having a personality like mine. No...You're not just a machine that can get things done...No...everybody does not think accomplishing a task is all you're good for....And, NO it's not an act--you do have friends who love you just the way you are--the way God made you. 

That's so nice to hear....Not that it's necessary, but it is affirming in situations like this.

Well, that pretty much settles it!  Enough about that already!! Let's move on and see what topic comes up tomorrow!

Thank you, God, for making me so wonderfully complicated.  May I glory in that all of my days. May I live to serve you and magnify your holy name until my last breath takes me home to you.  Your mercy is everlasting and Your truth endureth (forever). 

Turning Back Time

I wish we had the power to turn back time, just 24 hours or so.  Wouldn't it be nice if we could re-do conversations, re-do reactions, re-do decisions, just plain re-do everything! 

If I could change yesterday, I would first change what I wore.  I wouldn't wear a shirt with a coffee stain on it (of course, I'd have to look far and wide for a shirt that didn't have a some kind of stain on it!) I would change what I ate for breakfast.  i ate a piece of raisin cinamon bread.  By the time I got to my appointment, I was hungry again.  It's not a great thing for your stomach to growl with fercosity in the middle of a heated discussion.

I would change that I didn't take my estrogen yesterday. Even though I had a good reason for not taking it, I should have taken it anyway.  I had wanted to be able to get teary eyed if I needed to so that I wouldn't look cold-hearteded and without compassion.  Instead, I couldn't stop crying.  I can't stand that!  When I get like that, it impairs my thought process.  I am no longer able to hold onto the control I work so hard to maintain...I am not talking about control of a situation, but of myself. It's hard to take a hysterical person seriously. And, like it or not, it is perceived as a sign of weakness in women in this ridiculous man's world in which we live.

When I look back on yesterday's conversation, I see that I took everything to heart.  I took everything personally because I thought that is the way it was directed--What was said was all designed that way.  I was the perfect one to point the finger at...I have a temper; I expect a lot from people (and myself); I strive to be excellent in everything I do; and I try to always speak the truth. These are difficult personality traits to live with. They are the reason, I think, that I am not always understood, and I am not always liked. Nevertheless, I feel blessed that God thought I was strong enough to handle them.

I've always thought that if I could change anything about myself, it would be my personality.  But I don't really think that's true.  I kind of like being able to tell the truth.  I kind of think God wants all of us to be excellent in our work. Am I always excellent?  NO...but, I always try to be. And if expecting that from the people with whom I work (both vocationally and avocationally) is too much, then I believe God will take me out one way or another!    

If I could go back and change my yesterday...I would change that I didn't stand up for myself.  I would change that I allowed someone who is so unlike me to point the finger at me and make me feel worthless.  I would change everything. 

(In June, when I wrote this blog and the next few entries, I was talking about my perceptions and my feelings--that's kind of what a blog is all about.  Let it be known that is still my position--I am writing about myself and my thoughts  I cannot speak for anyone else nor can I write what is in another's heart--only what is in mine!)

Off the air

Ok...I finally have it in my thick skull...My writing a blog is not healthy, so I will end the trek now. If you're reading this now, you probably have subscribed to this feed and were one of about 6 people that visited if only on an irregular basis!

I will miss you...It's been a fun catharsis and you've been great to talk to.  Forgive me if I've said anything hurtful or implied that I am anything other than a sinner saved by grace. I hope, too, that you haven't read that I blame anyone for anything other than myself. I never meant harm in anything I wrote.  I hope God will continue to see fit to work in my life and yours every day.

Goodbye.......

Bessie Rae

The last time I was in Hattiesburg, I had my piano moved from Bonny's house to mine.  I didn't realize until I played the first notes of it how very much our little yellow house had needed the music.

Oh, I've played cd's and the radio from time to time, but it's not the same.  There is something so soothing to me about the rich tones that come from a piano.  And nothing comes close to the feeling I gets when playing a piano. It is one of the few stringed instruments that has the ability to be played both loudly and softly.  This single quality is, to me, the heart of the piano.  Without it, my heart wouldn't sing.

Ok, so I know that is a little corny.  But here's why I say that. I have always wanted to be able to sing.  And I can...in my head.  So, playing an instrument is quite naturally the next best thing.  I played trumpet and french horn in high school, and I can play a few songs on the guitar:  Leaving on a Jet Plane, Ain't She Sweet, If I Had a Hammer....I know you're familiar with all those smash hits.  ANYway, those instruments don't satisfy me like the piano can. 

All of that to tell you about my first piano teacher.  What a hoot!  Her name was Bessie Rae and she was a character!  She had been in the chorus in the Ziegfeld Follies with her sister, and she had some stories to tell!

She smoked non-stop and had strong nicotine stained fingers with fingernails that had been bitten off to the nub.  She had once had a beautiful contralto voice, but by the time I went under her tutelage (as a second grader) her voice was raspy and she didn't even try to sing very often. 

Oh, how I loved her.  Being every bit as dramatic a child as I am an adult, Bessie Rae actually preferred to have me sing while she played the piano.  My very favorite of all times was Rag Mop,  I don't know if you know that tune, but it's great.  Bessie Rae particularly liked songs from musicals. She always liked for me to sing Soon It's Gonna Rain from the Fantastiks and My Favorite Things from the Sound of Music. I am sooo enjoying thinking about those days!

When I was in 4th grade, Bessie Rae went into semi-retirement and I had to continue piano with another teacher. I must be truthful...that wasn't the only reason.  She actually refused to keep me because I actually didn't have the discipline to practice like I should (and like my sister did). A few years after that, we moved to Montgomery for awhile and when we got back, I wanted Miss Bessie Rae to be my teacher. 

She agreed to take me when I was a junior in high school, I think, and under the condition that I take my piano seriously. She would get so exasperated with me! I just loved it.  She would pop my hands every now and then and chastise me for not following the dynamics as they were written in the music.  (She invariably used a choice word or two that I won't repeat here.)

My response was always, "Well, you taught me to play with emotion.  I think Grieg (or whoever composed the piece we were studying) should have done it my way.  I think it's better, don't you?"

She'd laugh then swear in that raspy voice and declare that I was hopeless!  I guess I am...

Bessie Rae has been gone for a good long while, but I do think of her occasionally as I am rebelling against the composer of one work or another. And I thank God my mama saw I might have some potential as a pianist. 

Until I got my piano over here to my cute little yellow Hattiesburg house, it was just that--a house.  The music was what was missing...now it's really a HOME away from home!

Red Auerbach said it just right....Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life.  Isn't that just the best quote?!?!

See you next time...